Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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