I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
