The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
