Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
