You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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