matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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