i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
