Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
