Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
