Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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