What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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