Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I am morally bankrupt
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
