remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
