2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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