we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
