i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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