I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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