I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
