i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
