At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OPIZZABONMYDICK
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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