Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
