Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
