I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
