Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
