I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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