So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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