I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
