Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Let's get the cat blown out
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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