That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
