I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
