i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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