the condom got lost in my hair
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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