I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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