i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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