He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
