My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
