Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
