I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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