sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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