Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
