Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
