my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
