Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
