note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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