if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
