im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
