i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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