NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
