Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
