I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
