on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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