Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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