my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize