The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
