Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
