i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
