I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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