I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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