Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
bring money and cleavage
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
